


To Love is to Suffer

by Anakin_Stop_Panakin



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Anakin Skywalker Needs a Hug, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Emotions, F/M, Gen, One Shot, Regret, Sad, Self-Reflection, Short One Shot, Star Wars philosophy, Suited Darth Vader, The Author Regrets Everything, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:33:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25423939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anakin_Stop_Panakin/pseuds/Anakin_Stop_Panakin
Summary: Anakin Skywalker reflects upon why everyone he loved left him. He realises that he has sinned through out his entire life. His sin? Love.
Relationships: Anakin Skywalker & Ahsoka Tano, Anakin Skywalker & Shmi Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker, Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker, Qui-Gon Jinn & Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23
Collections: Quote Prompt Memes





	To Love is to Suffer

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [ColetteIsAPotato](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ColetteIsAPotato/pseuds/ColetteIsAPotato) in the [quoteonlyprompts](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/quoteonlyprompts) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
> “The joy of sin only lasts for a moment, but its suffering is forever."

Anakin Skywalker was in agony. Although this was a normal occurrence now; he never really had adjusted to his mechanical limbs.

He closed his eyes; one of the only remaining parts of his body which were his own. Hate, pain, suffering, but above all, sadness coursed through his body. He had been betrayed, yet once again. By the man who he once looked up to, a man who once was the closest thing Anakin had to a father figure. Palpatine was an evil person, Anakin knew this. Besides, his entire life had been him being betrayed, countlessly, endlessly.

It had started out with his mother. She was the one who had given Anakin hope; hope of better times, where they could live free. He had been afraid, and unsure, of what the future held for him, but when Qui Gon Jinn arrived- an infallible Jedi (or at least that’s what Anakin thought at the time)- Anakin thought that the Gods Shmi bowed to had answered her prayers. But fate was cruel, and while Anakin was freed, his mother was not. And so, he had to part with Shmi Skywalker- his mother, the only person who understood him, his everything- and leave her, all alone, where her life meant little more than the sand which they walked on. And then, she was abducted, _killed_ , by the Tusken raiders, and Anakin felt a piece of him die with her.

His rejection by the Jedi council was only the first in many ways they had let him down. Qui Gon was the only one who thought that he could be taught, trained to be a Jedi, just like him, and then he too died. Another person who he had cared for was taken away from him. He was stuck with a Master who barely even wanted him.

Obi Wan was, initially, distant, cold and held Anakin at arm’s length, but Obi Wan did warm up to Anakin, and it was Obi Wan’s calm, balanced nature, that helped Anakin overcome his own emotions. Anakin did his best to make Obi Wan proud, and even though Obi Wan’s words never showed it, his eyes reflected the pride he felt about his young padawan. Obi Wan was his master, his guide; but above all he was his _brother_. Anakin was sure that Obi Wan knew about his entire affair with Padmé, but Obi Wan had never betrayed Anakin. _Until now,_ Anakin winced, as the memory of Obi wan severing his limbs flashed in front of him. He had trusted Obi Wan, with his life, with Padmé, but he had left him to die- he did not even grant him a quick, painless death. He left Anakin to burn, to suffer, _all alone_. And so, another person, who he had loved with all his heart, had betrayed him.

A tear spilled down from his eyes as Anakin thought of Ahsoka. Ahsoka, his brash, careless, yet loyal, and above all, _brave_ Padawan, who never lost faith in Anakin even for all his shortcomings. She idolized him, yet never feared to call him out when he was wrong. She brought out the best in him. He remembered a time when he almost lost her to those savage Trandoshans; he remembered the despondent feeling that plagued his very soul, and his utter happiness, and relief when she was returned to him. Because for all her spit-fiery nature, Anakin was proud of her. He may have failed to express his pride, but he knew that the old, worn, leatherback journal hidden behind Padmé’s Wardrobe which had recorded Ahsoka’s every exploit would hold testament to his affection for his Padawan. But she had left the Order, and Anakin knew that he had failed Ahsoka. Just like he had failed everyone else he cared about. And so she too, was lost to him.

Padmé, the very light of his life, was an angel he did not deserve. Her beauty, her noble nature, her resolve to always do the _right_ thing, no matter what the cost, and of course, her kind smile, had made Anakin a hopeless fool in love. Anakin had always been entranced by Padmé’s strength, her confidence, and the way she always knew what to say, to comfort him. His wife was brave, strong, and had risked her life countlessly, for those who did not even deserve it. He barely held a candle to her character, but after everything he had put her through, she _had chosen_ to be with him. To be with the broken shell of a man that was Anakin Skywalker. She had been the one who took his broken parts and fixed him, made him whole again. But just like everyone in his life, Anakin’s wife, his _savio_ r, and his _soul_ itself- had been lost to him. Anakin had lost the one thing he lived for.

When Palpatine told him that Anakin killed her, he was livid. He did not, _could not_ believe it. It was not possible. Hadn’t he done everything possible there was to save her? He had sold his very soul, made a deal with the devil himself to save her, and all for what? Absolutely nothing. He had done everything, _he had corrupted himself_ , to save her from her destined fate.

The tears from Anakin’s eyes splashed to the ground. He looked at the charred remains of the once Jedi Knight, Anakin Skywalker, in the mirror in front of him. All he felt was hatred. Not for Obi Wan, not for Palpatine, not for the Jedi council either, but for himself. The greatest betrayal he had experienced was inflicted upon him by himself. After all, he had been the cause for almost all of the people he cared about to be lost to him, forever.

_Good,_ he heard Palpatine’s voice in his mind. _Use your hatred, your pain, your suffering. Wield it! It is what gives you power._

Anakin was too far gone now. As a droid helped him don his life support suit (which was also his armor), he picked up his helmet. The helmet symbolized the life he had chosen; one of pain, agony and suffering. The only sin that he had ever committed was to love. Love had only brought him hate, pain, and torment. He looked at his scarred face one more time, as he brought his hand to his face. His fingers traced over his scars, but he could not feel them; there were some nerves that simply did not heal.

He knew he would never feel anything again. Just as he knew that he would never feel his mother’s caress, as she told him a story or Master Qui Gon’s gentle pat on the shoulder and his kind words of encouragement. He knew he would never be able to hear Obi Wan’s gentle, calm, and just a little exasperated voice when he learned that Anakin lost his light sabre again, or Ahsoka’s happy tone when she mastered a move he taught her. He knew that he would never feel Padmé’s soft fingers, as she held him and drove all his nightmares away. He knew that he would never be able to see her give a passionate speech in the senate, where she talked about the rights of sentients or something equally idealistic. He knew he would never have the chance to hold his child, and cry tears of joy when it would open its eyes. He had loved so many, and he had experienced so much joy. But he knew now, that to love was a sin. He knew now, that the joy of sin only lasts for a moment, but its suffering is forever.

Gathering whatever strength he had left, Anakin put on his helmet. He had killed Anakin Skywalker, Jedi Knight. Darth Vader, bringer of death and destruction, took his place. 

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't something I normally write, but this prompt intrigued me, and I thought that Anakin Skywalker was the best person for this one! I hope you guys enjoyed this 3 AM writing, and all feedback is welcome!


End file.
